Sincerity.

Dictionary.com defines sincerity as “freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity”. So, when I say that I am sincerely happy for someone else, I mean it. Sometimes people say things like “aren’t you jealous”, or “they’re your ex, why are you happy for them”? I always fall back on my original statement. I am genuinely and sincerely happy for them.
I recently facebook friended one of my ex’s. He and I were together for about 5 years many, many, MANY years ago. We were kids, things didn’t work out. We ended up being friends after though, he was one of the first people I told when I found out I was pregnant, and I was one of the last people he saw before he went too Iraq for the first time.
These days, I am a happily engaged lady, and he has finally found someone that put a little sparkle back in his eye. When I say I am happy for him, I mean it. With all my heart, with the possible capacity that my heart can handle. I am happy to see him in a relationship where he can flourish and grow. I am excited about their future together for them.
I’ve had friends that have gone on to more schooling and graduated. One of my closest friends when I was pregnant was a girl named Meg. She and I were really close. Things happened, and for some reason it ends up being a little difficult to maintain friendships with non-parent friends when you become a parent. She is passing through school with grace and she is pursuing her goals to be a nurse. She’s doing amazing at it. She puts up happy statuses on facebook, and posts happy pictures. Even though we aren’t as close as we once were, I am still very happy that her life is going so well.
Some people might not know this, but, I almost gave Jillie up for adoption. I made a plan and everything. Things didn’t work out that way (obviously), and Jillie is still mine <3. However, I always thought of the couple and hoped fervently that they would get to experience the utter joy of being a parent. When the wife contacted me to tell me about her beautiful little boy, and to tell me that she and her husband were happy to see that everything worked out for me, I cried. Completely happy tears, real tears. I was so happy to hear that things clicked into place for them. I know that sometimes, in this world of “dog eat dog”, it is a little unorthodox to be happy for someone else’s happiness. However, I feel like it’s a necessary part of life. It keeps you human, and lets to be connected to the people around you. I enjoy being genuinely happy for the people I love. It makes me happy to know that they are enjoying their lives. Maybe someday we can all be a little like that…

Something to get excited about...

Life moves on, even when you don’t think it does. In June 2008, the day before my birthday, Jon officially proposed to me. We have been planning and saving ever since. Last summer, we finally came up with a date: August 18, 2012. We have picked so many dates, and backed out of them after I get really excited about them.
This time, was a little different. I didn’t even get excited. Well, the weekend after my Grammy Meg died, one of my friends from work told me I needed to get out of my house and do something. So we went to the Bridal Expo a couple towns over. I saw a lot of awesome things, and got a lot of great ideas.
I also, got a gift card for David’s Bridal, and made an appointment to check out some dresses. My Aunt Sue insisted on taking me to my appointment. I went there, feeling “blah” about our wedding. I was a little apprehensive, and figured I wouldn’t find anything anyways, so it would be a wasted trip. Also, Jon is still a little nervous about actually setting a date. So I’m still trying to not get my hopes up.
The trip turned out wonderful. We had a great consultant named Jasmine. She was super nice, and very helpful. I tried on a total of 10 dresses, and fell in love with the second dress. IN LOVE! Who knew?! We put a down payment on it, as well as a down payment on a matching dress for Jillie.
I am so excited, I wanted to cry! Happy tears, of course. I can’t wait to marry Jon now. I can’t wait to walk down the isle and see Jon standing at the end of it, waiting to marry me, waiting to start the rest of our lives together. I tear up a little just thinking about it. I am so excited to start this new chapter. <3

Jillian Mackenzie.

September 18, 2005 I had the most life altering words spoken to me. “It’s got two lines. That means you’re pregnant.”
I cried. I was too young to have babies. I still had so much to do. I hadn’t traveled the world yet. I never went to college. I was still just a cashier. How was this possible?!
The last was a silly question. I knew how it had happened. Just as I had known I was pregnant as soon as it was over. It was a moment of clarity among muddled and murky thought. August 30, 2005. Strange that I should remember such dates. They will stay with me forever though.
Just like May 2, 2006. The day I was supposed to go in for an induction, she decided to finally show up. Only 6hours and 26mins before my appointment. 2:34am and after intense labor pains, starting the day before around 4am, and after an epidural, and 45 minutes of pushing, she arrived.
My world was forever altered. Here was this tiny (6lbs 2oz), squirming baby girl. She was mine. I named her Jillian Mackenzie because that was the name Jen and Greg picked out. I had originally picked either Emily Diane or Amaya Gen.
The moment I saw her getting cleaned and checked out, trying to “see” me, attempting to crane her head towards my voice, I knew I had never loved someone so deeply. I never knew my heart had that capacity! I don’t think you can truly understand how much a parent loves their child(ren) until you become a parent.
Suddenly you put yourself on the back burner, and regardless of your wants or needs, there is this tiny being that is more important. You will never rest peacefully, because part of you will be constantly worrying over everything they are doing. Attempting to ensure their safety and happiness above all else.
When Jillie started calling me “Mummum” at 5 months, I realized this: I am someone’s Mommy. That. Is. Huge.

My great disdain of e-books.

I’m going to school online at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh. I enjoy my accelerated classes, because you start the class and next thing you know, it’s all over. However, now, they offer ‘e-books’. Meaning, my required reading is a book that I have to sit at my desk top computer to read. At least when I had regular paper books I could wander around with it. Read it while I was waiting at my doctor’s office, or on lunch break at work. Now though, I can’t do that. So when I finally get home from doing whatever I had to leave the house to do, I still have to sit and read on the computer for a couple of hours before even getting to do my homework.
You would think that because people take online classes to make their lives easier and be able to do their work whenever/wherever, it would make sense to lat the students do their work wherever they felt comfortable. I used to do my homework reading while I was sitting in the bathroom monitoring Jillie’s bath time, or on the couch while she played with Barbie’s, or at the table while waiting for dinner to cook, or at lunch at work, you get the idea. Now, I feel like I am chained to my computer. You can imagine my frustration and aggravation.

((Image from: http://toostep.com/insight/very-dangerous---ways-your-job-can-reduce-your-life-span ))

Lesson from a 4 year old.

As a parent, you know that there will be moments that will be tough on you. There will be moments that will be tough on your child. Recently, I experienced one of these moments. Now, usually, as Mommy, I have to make sure I am a strong person for my little girl. Always remembering to stand up and brush myself off. Duct taping all the pieces together whenever necessary.
December 30, 2010, I got a call from my Aunt Sue. My paternal grandmother, Grammy Meg, who had been very sick from lung cancer, was very close to dying. Basically, if I wanted to say good bye to her, I had to get to the nursing home, STAT! After almost 4 agonizing days of watching my Grammy slowly slip away, she was finally at peace at 4:05pm on January 2, 1011. I was in the room with her, as was my step-mother Judy.
I cried. I didn’t all out, can’t breathe, snot running down my face, uncontrollable sobbing, cry. I did cry though. Then, I stayed out of the room. I even asked my dad to go back in and grab my purse and coat. My sister Julie and my brother in law Eric didn’t want to go home, and even though I wanted to be alone and mourn my Grammy, I didn’t want to make them go home when they really didn’t want to, so I invited them over. I went to bed way later than I should have, and never really got to “cry it out”. The next few days seemed to go in a similar direction.
Three days later was the wake. Jon accompanied me to Mercadante Funeral Home. I walked in, but didn’t go to see my Grammy resting in her coffin. I didn’t want to go up there in front of everyone. After everyone came through and gave us their condolences, my family left and I went up to say good bye to a woman who meant so much to me. I brought Julie home with me. Eric and Jon had left a little early and met us at my house. They left pretty late, and I had to go to bed as soon as they did because we had to get up early for the funeral.
The next morning, I packed Jillie in my car and drove back to Mercadante to wait in line for the funeral procession. For those of you reading this who have never done this, when you get back to the funeral, the casket is usually still open (permitted it was an open casket wake), and people may say any final good-byes. I tried to keep Jillie in the hallway, since I wasn’t sure about letting my little 4 year old see a dead body. She insisted that she go in, however. She wanted to say goodbye to her Great Grammy Meg. After a little while of unsuccessfully trying to persuade her otherwise, we went up to the casket.
Jillie looked in at her great grandmother, told her she would miss her, and said good bye. We went over to a chair and she snuggled on my lap for a few minutes until Jon got there. She walked up with my Aunt Sue and put a flower in the casket with Grammy Meg. She didn’t cry and kept herself together. I almost thought that maybe she didn’t quite understand what was going on.
When we got in the car to start the procession, Jillie and I had a conversation that I now feel compelled to share with you. Please keep in mind that Jillie and I had just been to visit my Grammy on Christmas Day.

Jillie: Uhm. Mommy? I have a question.
Me: Ok Sweetie, what’s your question?
Jillie: When Grammy Meg went to Heaven, did Jesus make her all better? Because Grammy didn’t look sick anymore…..
Me: Well Peanut, you could say that. Yeah. When you die and go to Heaven, it’s a very nice place where people aren’t sick or in pain.

I didn’t say our conversation was long. It was very profound though. I was thinking that she really didn’t get it because she didn’t seem to be very upset. In her own little way though, she made me feel better instead. I still haven’t “cried it out”. At this point though, I don’t think I will “cry it out”. I think deep down inside, I feel too happy to know that she is no longer suffering and in pain to be sad. It’s funny how it took my little Peanut to remind me of what I’ve believed my whole life. Death is not the end; it is the beginning of a new life in a better place. It is something I have to believe, considering all the people I have lost in my life.
I will leave this little advice behind though: “Life is short, make sure the people you love know it, because you never know when you won’t be able to tell them anymore.”

Settled.

Finding someone I really deeply love and care for was always something I didn't believe I even deserved. When I was younger, I was certainly not the best girlfriend. My boyfriends weren't necessarily that great to me either. I was cheated on, and I cheated on others. They had addictions, and said things that were awfully hurtful. I am certain that I said things that were just as hurtful. I went on dates, and critiqued things about others that were unfair judgments. It wasn't all bad. I have a small box of keepsakes. A little brass locket from my first boyfriend. A scratch drawing of a blue heron. Drawing and notes and pictures. Things that seemed extraordinary and insignificant all at once. Now, however, what I posses from my current love, is his heart. I cherish it, above anything you could find in my little keepsake box. I have a pretty ruby ring on my left hand ring finger. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, and how much he loves my little girl.
  Jillie and I want to keep him too. We have a great life. Not even remotely close to perfect, we fight and make up. We have problems that we have to deal with and find solutions to. We have hopes and dreams and desires for the future. We laugh together, and sometimes even cry together. Life is complicated, and messy and tangled and fascinating. Things always end up working out though. One way or another.
  Truthfully, I'm finally settled. Happy and optimistic usually, but settled. I don't know what lies ahead, and I think I'm finally OK with that. I am just letting myself enjoy the ride. I'm letting myself feel everything and experience everything that life has waiting for me. I am surrounded by people that are loving and supportive. I am reconnecting with people I thought I lost. I am me. I finally feel like that's enough. ^.^