Sorry that it's been so long.

Aside from the fact that I have just been ridiculously busy, I have also been having what I can only describe as "night terrors".
Night Terrors. You know, those things that little kids have where they wake up and run screaming into their parents bed. I've been forced to deal with the most pathetic question of my adult life. "What do you do when you ARE the parent?"

Well, let me tell you: you cry yourself back to sleep. Or just decide that you never want to sleep again. The later is what I've been attempting to accomplish. So far, it's not really working. I've been averaging about 5-6 hours a night, in 2-3 hour increments. Unfortunately, I also happen to turn into a crazyer than usual person. I find myself being completely off the walls lately. So much so that my coworkers had accused me of both having ADD and OCD. Even now, I am really wanting a nap.

The other night though, was the WORST! I woke up, feeling so terrified that a "ghost" (my bedside lamp that was dimly lit from the light in the other room) was trying to kill me. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I couldn't even cry. Less than 2 minutes later, I realized it was just a lamp, and I was being ridiculous. About 20 seconds after that, I could move again. About 20 minutes after that, my heart rate finally went down to a slow enough pace that I could actually drift back to sleep again (if I had actually wanted to, which I did not).

I looked it up on Web MD under Sleep Disorders.. I was actually looking for something to help explain my night terrors, but stumbled upon this first...

Sleep Paralysis

"Have you ever felt like you were awake but unable to move? You might have even felt afraid but could not call for help? This condition is called sleep paralysis. Sleep paralysis may leave you feeling frightened, especially if you also see or hear things that aren't really there. Sleep paralysis may happen only once, or you may have it frequently -- even several times a night.
The good news: sleep paralysis is not considered a dangerous health problem. Read on to find out more about sleep paralysis, its possible causes, and its treatment."

http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide/sleep-paralysis ((If you want to know more.))

Someday, I WILL feel like I'm an actual "grown up" who can help herself feel better when she has a crazy nightmare.... Someday..

My Best Friend

   When I was younger, I used to keep written journals. I’m not sure why, but it made me feel better to write things down, no matter how little they seemed to be. I wrote down the stories about my first real boyfriend, and most of the seemingly important aspects of our relationship. Everything from the day I lost my virginity to the day he cooked me spaghetti dinner. I wrote it all out when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, and even the day I saw my fiancé for the first time while I was pregnant, even though he only nodded in my general direction.

The day I met my best friend, whom I affectionately nick named Mikky, I wrote this (in obnoxious green pen):

I met this girl Mikky today. She has crazy dyed hair. She seems kind of awesome. I think we’re going to be best friends.

    Silly as it may seem, that winter we grew to be inseparable. We spent as much time hanging out together as we could. I have countless silly stories written down about things from “Easter egg hair”, to “peanut butter cookies”, to “bubble bath swimming pools”. She was there for me when my brother died, even though my boyfriend at the time left me because “he couldn’t handle seeing me so sad”.

    It seems like every time I’ve been on the edge of a nervous breakdown, she has been the one I could always turn to. She’s helped me pick up the pieces so many times that I cant even begin to count just how grateful I am to have her in my life. How truly lucky I feel every time I see a photograph of us, or find random little notes we’ve passed. We met when I was 16. It’s been 11 years this September, and I feel like it’s been my whole life.

    This is for you Mikky. For the best friend I could ever have, the person who never sugar coats things for me, the person who isn’t afraid to tell me the truth. The girl I’ve adored since we first met. Regardless of how many days/weeks/months it’s been since our last conversation, every time we get together, it’s like we never really spent time apart. Even though our lives go in separate directions, they always seem to meet back up again. You are an amazing person.
 

thank you for being my friend.

I'm walking for my Heart!

Join my team! Together, we can raise money and heart health awareness!!

Take care of your heart!!!

I often look at things that I have done in the past. More specifically, I look at things I have lived through. In my mere 26 years of life, I have lived through 2 heart surgeries, getting rabies shots, slowly becoming allergic to everything I used to not be allergic to, piercing my finger with a scalpel, “falling off a roof”, too many broken hearts to count, and being one of the “weird” people that everyone knew by name but couldn’t be accepted into any particular crowd.
I have learned to accept some things, like the fact that I will never be “normal”, finding ways to get around my allergies, and remembering that injured mend (even metaphoric broken hearts heal. When my boss told my supervisor that I “march to the beat of my own drum”, I actually felt a little pride in the fact that I’m not like everybody else, and even though I will be remembered as being odd, I will at least be remembered. The people that don’t remember me from high school aren’t worth my time, and I really don’t need to fret over it, because the people I really enjoyed being in high school with, won’t let me forget that I am cared about. (That’s the important part of having friends anyways, right?)
As for the heart surgeries, my first one I was only 4 months old. They told my parents not to expect me to live past the age of 2. When I was 2, they told my mom that I would be on heart medication for the rest of my life. When I was 5, they told my mom I was just fine, and I didn’t need to be seen in their office again. When I was 16, they told me that the chest pains I had been getting since I was 12, was actually my heart beating up over 300 beats per minute, and I would need surgery. After surgery, they recommended 2 check ups a year. When I got pregnant, they put me in a high rick pregnancy clinic, and I had a healthy baby girl with zero negative impact on my heart. Unfortunately, I am back on heart medication, that I will have to take for the rest of my life, but I feel like a little pill a day is a small price to pay for a healthy heart.
I have already ordered enough red dress pins for every guest at my wedding. I try very hard to educate the people around me and all the women in my life the importance of heart health. Someone told me on “Go Red for Women” day, that if I asked them to wear pink for breast cancer they would, but that heart health just wasn’t as important. I vented on facebook about the comment, and got back the best response ever over it: “Unless they’re into necrophilia, once the heart goes, so do the breasts.” I feel like, in this day and age, with all our positive research on breast cancer, most women can actually survive being diagnosed with it. Heart disease is still the number one killer of women. I feel like at this point, it is a little more important to emphasize it! Let the women in your lives know you care, remind them to stay aware of their heart health! After all, you’ve only got the one heart.

Sincerity.

Dictionary.com defines sincerity as “freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity”. So, when I say that I am sincerely happy for someone else, I mean it. Sometimes people say things like “aren’t you jealous”, or “they’re your ex, why are you happy for them”? I always fall back on my original statement. I am genuinely and sincerely happy for them.
I recently facebook friended one of my ex’s. He and I were together for about 5 years many, many, MANY years ago. We were kids, things didn’t work out. We ended up being friends after though, he was one of the first people I told when I found out I was pregnant, and I was one of the last people he saw before he went too Iraq for the first time.
These days, I am a happily engaged lady, and he has finally found someone that put a little sparkle back in his eye. When I say I am happy for him, I mean it. With all my heart, with the possible capacity that my heart can handle. I am happy to see him in a relationship where he can flourish and grow. I am excited about their future together for them.
I’ve had friends that have gone on to more schooling and graduated. One of my closest friends when I was pregnant was a girl named Meg. She and I were really close. Things happened, and for some reason it ends up being a little difficult to maintain friendships with non-parent friends when you become a parent. She is passing through school with grace and she is pursuing her goals to be a nurse. She’s doing amazing at it. She puts up happy statuses on facebook, and posts happy pictures. Even though we aren’t as close as we once were, I am still very happy that her life is going so well.
Some people might not know this, but, I almost gave Jillie up for adoption. I made a plan and everything. Things didn’t work out that way (obviously), and Jillie is still mine <3. However, I always thought of the couple and hoped fervently that they would get to experience the utter joy of being a parent. When the wife contacted me to tell me about her beautiful little boy, and to tell me that she and her husband were happy to see that everything worked out for me, I cried. Completely happy tears, real tears. I was so happy to hear that things clicked into place for them. I know that sometimes, in this world of “dog eat dog”, it is a little unorthodox to be happy for someone else’s happiness. However, I feel like it’s a necessary part of life. It keeps you human, and lets to be connected to the people around you. I enjoy being genuinely happy for the people I love. It makes me happy to know that they are enjoying their lives. Maybe someday we can all be a little like that…

Something to get excited about...

Life moves on, even when you don’t think it does. In June 2008, the day before my birthday, Jon officially proposed to me. We have been planning and saving ever since. Last summer, we finally came up with a date: August 18, 2012. We have picked so many dates, and backed out of them after I get really excited about them.
This time, was a little different. I didn’t even get excited. Well, the weekend after my Grammy Meg died, one of my friends from work told me I needed to get out of my house and do something. So we went to the Bridal Expo a couple towns over. I saw a lot of awesome things, and got a lot of great ideas.
I also, got a gift card for David’s Bridal, and made an appointment to check out some dresses. My Aunt Sue insisted on taking me to my appointment. I went there, feeling “blah” about our wedding. I was a little apprehensive, and figured I wouldn’t find anything anyways, so it would be a wasted trip. Also, Jon is still a little nervous about actually setting a date. So I’m still trying to not get my hopes up.
The trip turned out wonderful. We had a great consultant named Jasmine. She was super nice, and very helpful. I tried on a total of 10 dresses, and fell in love with the second dress. IN LOVE! Who knew?! We put a down payment on it, as well as a down payment on a matching dress for Jillie.
I am so excited, I wanted to cry! Happy tears, of course. I can’t wait to marry Jon now. I can’t wait to walk down the isle and see Jon standing at the end of it, waiting to marry me, waiting to start the rest of our lives together. I tear up a little just thinking about it. I am so excited to start this new chapter. <3

Jillian Mackenzie.

September 18, 2005 I had the most life altering words spoken to me. “It’s got two lines. That means you’re pregnant.”
I cried. I was too young to have babies. I still had so much to do. I hadn’t traveled the world yet. I never went to college. I was still just a cashier. How was this possible?!
The last was a silly question. I knew how it had happened. Just as I had known I was pregnant as soon as it was over. It was a moment of clarity among muddled and murky thought. August 30, 2005. Strange that I should remember such dates. They will stay with me forever though.
Just like May 2, 2006. The day I was supposed to go in for an induction, she decided to finally show up. Only 6hours and 26mins before my appointment. 2:34am and after intense labor pains, starting the day before around 4am, and after an epidural, and 45 minutes of pushing, she arrived.
My world was forever altered. Here was this tiny (6lbs 2oz), squirming baby girl. She was mine. I named her Jillian Mackenzie because that was the name Jen and Greg picked out. I had originally picked either Emily Diane or Amaya Gen.
The moment I saw her getting cleaned and checked out, trying to “see” me, attempting to crane her head towards my voice, I knew I had never loved someone so deeply. I never knew my heart had that capacity! I don’t think you can truly understand how much a parent loves their child(ren) until you become a parent.
Suddenly you put yourself on the back burner, and regardless of your wants or needs, there is this tiny being that is more important. You will never rest peacefully, because part of you will be constantly worrying over everything they are doing. Attempting to ensure their safety and happiness above all else.
When Jillie started calling me “Mummum” at 5 months, I realized this: I am someone’s Mommy. That. Is. Huge.