Zombies really ARE scary!

 Adrenalin is a funny thing. I love being scared! It’s horrible!! I’m terrified of zombies, and yet I can’t stop myself from watching things like “Walking Dead” and “I am legend”…

 What’s wrong with me? I know I am just going to regret watching this stuff when I go to bed before I even turn it on. Yet, I do it anyways. I want to be scared silly. I want to feel frightened. I want to feel the rush of bolting from the car to the house as if every second has the possibility of being my last.

 One minute I think “I am a big brave toaster. I can totally watch this.” Then, the realization sinks in at the first sight of a zombie. “Oh my gosh! What have I done?! I can’t handle this! This is crazy!”

 I start to remember why I hate these movies in the first place. I remember that I am terrified of this ever actually happening. I even have a zombie survival guide! THEY AREN’T REAL!!! They don’t actually exist! It’s like being afraid of the boogey man!

 Yet, there is an entire entertainment industry built up around our complete fear and gruesome fascination of these vile creatures. We want to see movies where they are the bad thing. We want to see the gore. We want to know that there are still monsters under the bed. We want to remember that we are not invincible. Because putting a face on the monster is easier than facing a real monster that we can’t see with our own two eyes.

 Invisible monsters like cancer, viruses, heart disease, deteriorating bones, and bacteria. Things that are real, and do kill us, every day. We want to focus on the zombies because they are easy to figure out how to destroy. They look like they could be taken down with ease. Unlike real monsters, the ones you can’t see that come for your loved ones. The monsters that slowly take over your loved ones minds and their bodies. Slowly they become nothing but a shell of their former selves.   Nearly unrecognizable compared to what they used to be.

 Yeah, let’s just focus on the zombies. They don’t seem as scary. At least you can usually see them coming.

Just a little update...

 I always say thing like “I’m going to start a project and actually finish it.” Or, “I’m going to actually write in my blog." I go along for a little while, and then I get distracted.

  “I could do my project/ write in my blog, OR, I could watch TV/ got for a hike/ do something else.” I tell myself that it’s a project that’s just taking up too much time, that I have better things to do. I need to spend more time with Jillie. I have to spend a little more time cleaning/ reading/ making dinner.

  It’s a vicious cycle.

  So, I guess what I’m saying is this: bear with me while I attempt to reboot myself. I want to be the person that finishes things she starts. I want to be better about starting projects I know I can handle completing.

  I swear I’m trying to turn things around for myself. I want to be the kind of person that will inspire my daughter to be the best person she can be. I want to be the kind of person that can say “this is my finished project”. I’m hoping that with just a little willpower I can change things.

  I just need to keep reminding myself that this is what I want to do. I have goals and they need to be kept up with.

Sometimes you feel like a nut....

Life has been going good lately. I've been ecstatic in my home life, my soon-to-be Hubby and I set a date. Our daughter turned 5. Things have been great! I've even been getting along wih my mom, which is not something that happens very often... Not that I don't love her, or fit with her exactly. We just don't always see eye to eye. Lately though, even she and I have been getting along. I've just been happy and enjoying the majority of my life. The nifty terrors are still bothering me, but I'm going in to the cardiologists office ne t week for the results of my most recent echo cardiogram, and I'm going to se what my sleep options are, so I feel like even that problem will be resolving itself soon.

Lately though, it seems like no matter what I do at work, there is angst and unrest. I feel like part of it is directed at me, and I'm so uncomfortable with it that I wish there would be a change in the atmosphre. Something needs to give, or my coworkers are going to explode. I get some of the excess anger directed towards me, and I del like it's be aide people say things behind other peoples backs. No one treats their coworkers the way they would want to be treated. It drives me crazy, but in this economy, it seems impssible to be able to find a better paying job with he same type of benefits that I get to enjoy now. I like having a set schedule, pair days off, paid holidays, and paid vacation days.. I just wish thy hey came along with coworkers who cared about each other. I'm. Pretty sure if I got into a car accident tomorrow and couldn't work for a month, not even a single coworker would give more than a passing thought on my dirrection. And yet, I still remember wveryones birthday, I still care if someone is sick, or is having a tough time at home. I don't remember people caring so little at any other job I've ever had. Am I so wrong to be upset about this? I mean, I understand that I am there for a pay check, and not to make friends, but shouldn't I be able to do both?!?

Sorry that it's been so long.

Aside from the fact that I have just been ridiculously busy, I have also been having what I can only describe as "night terrors".
Night Terrors. You know, those things that little kids have where they wake up and run screaming into their parents bed. I've been forced to deal with the most pathetic question of my adult life. "What do you do when you ARE the parent?"

Well, let me tell you: you cry yourself back to sleep. Or just decide that you never want to sleep again. The later is what I've been attempting to accomplish. So far, it's not really working. I've been averaging about 5-6 hours a night, in 2-3 hour increments. Unfortunately, I also happen to turn into a crazyer than usual person. I find myself being completely off the walls lately. So much so that my coworkers had accused me of both having ADD and OCD. Even now, I am really wanting a nap.

The other night though, was the WORST! I woke up, feeling so terrified that a "ghost" (my bedside lamp that was dimly lit from the light in the other room) was trying to kill me. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I couldn't even cry. Less than 2 minutes later, I realized it was just a lamp, and I was being ridiculous. About 20 seconds after that, I could move again. About 20 minutes after that, my heart rate finally went down to a slow enough pace that I could actually drift back to sleep again (if I had actually wanted to, which I did not).

I looked it up on Web MD under Sleep Disorders.. I was actually looking for something to help explain my night terrors, but stumbled upon this first...

Sleep Paralysis

"Have you ever felt like you were awake but unable to move? You might have even felt afraid but could not call for help? This condition is called sleep paralysis. Sleep paralysis may leave you feeling frightened, especially if you also see or hear things that aren't really there. Sleep paralysis may happen only once, or you may have it frequently -- even several times a night.
The good news: sleep paralysis is not considered a dangerous health problem. Read on to find out more about sleep paralysis, its possible causes, and its treatment."

http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide/sleep-paralysis ((If you want to know more.))

Someday, I WILL feel like I'm an actual "grown up" who can help herself feel better when she has a crazy nightmare.... Someday..

My Best Friend

   When I was younger, I used to keep written journals. I’m not sure why, but it made me feel better to write things down, no matter how little they seemed to be. I wrote down the stories about my first real boyfriend, and most of the seemingly important aspects of our relationship. Everything from the day I lost my virginity to the day he cooked me spaghetti dinner. I wrote it all out when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, and even the day I saw my fiancé for the first time while I was pregnant, even though he only nodded in my general direction.

The day I met my best friend, whom I affectionately nick named Mikky, I wrote this (in obnoxious green pen):

I met this girl Mikky today. She has crazy dyed hair. She seems kind of awesome. I think we’re going to be best friends.

    Silly as it may seem, that winter we grew to be inseparable. We spent as much time hanging out together as we could. I have countless silly stories written down about things from “Easter egg hair”, to “peanut butter cookies”, to “bubble bath swimming pools”. She was there for me when my brother died, even though my boyfriend at the time left me because “he couldn’t handle seeing me so sad”.

    It seems like every time I’ve been on the edge of a nervous breakdown, she has been the one I could always turn to. She’s helped me pick up the pieces so many times that I cant even begin to count just how grateful I am to have her in my life. How truly lucky I feel every time I see a photograph of us, or find random little notes we’ve passed. We met when I was 16. It’s been 11 years this September, and I feel like it’s been my whole life.

    This is for you Mikky. For the best friend I could ever have, the person who never sugar coats things for me, the person who isn’t afraid to tell me the truth. The girl I’ve adored since we first met. Regardless of how many days/weeks/months it’s been since our last conversation, every time we get together, it’s like we never really spent time apart. Even though our lives go in separate directions, they always seem to meet back up again. You are an amazing person.
 

thank you for being my friend.

I'm walking for my Heart!

Join my team! Together, we can raise money and heart health awareness!!

Take care of your heart!!!

I often look at things that I have done in the past. More specifically, I look at things I have lived through. In my mere 26 years of life, I have lived through 2 heart surgeries, getting rabies shots, slowly becoming allergic to everything I used to not be allergic to, piercing my finger with a scalpel, “falling off a roof”, too many broken hearts to count, and being one of the “weird” people that everyone knew by name but couldn’t be accepted into any particular crowd.
I have learned to accept some things, like the fact that I will never be “normal”, finding ways to get around my allergies, and remembering that injured mend (even metaphoric broken hearts heal. When my boss told my supervisor that I “march to the beat of my own drum”, I actually felt a little pride in the fact that I’m not like everybody else, and even though I will be remembered as being odd, I will at least be remembered. The people that don’t remember me from high school aren’t worth my time, and I really don’t need to fret over it, because the people I really enjoyed being in high school with, won’t let me forget that I am cared about. (That’s the important part of having friends anyways, right?)
As for the heart surgeries, my first one I was only 4 months old. They told my parents not to expect me to live past the age of 2. When I was 2, they told my mom that I would be on heart medication for the rest of my life. When I was 5, they told my mom I was just fine, and I didn’t need to be seen in their office again. When I was 16, they told me that the chest pains I had been getting since I was 12, was actually my heart beating up over 300 beats per minute, and I would need surgery. After surgery, they recommended 2 check ups a year. When I got pregnant, they put me in a high rick pregnancy clinic, and I had a healthy baby girl with zero negative impact on my heart. Unfortunately, I am back on heart medication, that I will have to take for the rest of my life, but I feel like a little pill a day is a small price to pay for a healthy heart.
I have already ordered enough red dress pins for every guest at my wedding. I try very hard to educate the people around me and all the women in my life the importance of heart health. Someone told me on “Go Red for Women” day, that if I asked them to wear pink for breast cancer they would, but that heart health just wasn’t as important. I vented on facebook about the comment, and got back the best response ever over it: “Unless they’re into necrophilia, once the heart goes, so do the breasts.” I feel like, in this day and age, with all our positive research on breast cancer, most women can actually survive being diagnosed with it. Heart disease is still the number one killer of women. I feel like at this point, it is a little more important to emphasize it! Let the women in your lives know you care, remind them to stay aware of their heart health! After all, you’ve only got the one heart.